A Woman’s Shame
Yesterday morning I hired a cleaning company to clean my house. I spent almost an hour of the time they were here exercising. So what. No big deal right? Well as I was exercising yesterday it occurred to me that not that long ago I would have never done something so self-centered while I had paid help cleaning my house. I would have been too ashamed. In fact, I clearly remember a few years ago an extreme example of this shame. It was about 3-4 years ago. My auto-immune disease was ravaging my body and I was so weak just walking around the house was a struggle. It got so bad I mostly just sat down, only getting up when my young children needed something. One of those days, I had my weekly cleaner at the house and I remember clearly feeling like it was finally okay for me to just sit and do nothing while she was there. That I was sick enough that I didn’t have to feel ashamed that I wasn’t cleaning my own house. Imagine that, only thinking it was okay to ask for help with taking care of my home if I was so sick I could barely move. What the hell is that all about anyway? Actually I know what it’s about. It’s a few limiting beliefs and fears roles into one.
One has to do with shame around having money, the other around shame of not living up to societies definition of a “good” mother and wife. I’ll start with the money piece. My ancestry is riddled with lack. Hundreds of years of poor families struggling to get by. Hundreds of years of shame of not having money and being one of the poorest kids in the neighborhood. Lack of money, toxic masculinity, abuse and addiction runs as far back as I can tell. I have these stories in my DNA. That there isn’t enough money. That my family doesn’t have a lot of money. That the people with money are not “good” people because they keep poor people poor. None of these stories are true of course. They are just belief stories. Stories that many of us hold, as they have been passed down from generation to generation. So my money story, that having wealth is shameful and hurts those who are poor created shame around being the type of person who would hire someone to clean my house. Somehow there was a belief that if my entire line of ancestors struggled to make ends meet, then I should too. The second issue that brought up shame is the societal definition of what makes a good mother.
We are taught that a mom’s entire worth is based on how much she sacrifices herself to take the utmost care of her kids and spouse/partner. She keeps a clean house no matter what. She puts her husband and kids’ needs in front of her own, always. So to hire someone to clean my house while I tended to self-care would mean that I am a terrible mom. No wonder I felt shame when someone was cleaning my house and I wasn’t doing something to care for others. What interesting webs of stories we weave to box ourselves in, don’t we? I know I still have a lot of shame and limiting beliefs lurking under the surface. They will rear their heads up to let me know they are there and then I can deal with them. But I am so happy about all the shame I have worked through already. I am so grateful that the effort I have put into my personal growth and healing over the years has taken me to a point that I feel comfortable hiring help around the house while I do something I love, exercise. It’s okay to have money. It’s okay for me to put my needs first. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay that I don’t keep a perfectly clean and tidy house. None of that defines me. None of it makes me a bad person. None of it has anything to do with my worth. I hope that you too are growing and can see past your stories and shame. Because you my friend, are also worthy just as you are.