On Being a Flake

When I was a teen/young adult, my dad used to call me irresponsible. It felt like he called me that all the time though I only have one memory of him actually saying it. To be fair, he was frustrated. He had high hopes for me. He wanted me to become a lawyer. He truly saw it in me. Thought I’d be great at it. School had always been easy for me. I always got good grades, was in the honor society and in AP classes, but I never had to work hard to get those good grades. My dad saw how easy it was for me and saw a way for me to do something with my life that nobody before me in my family had ever done. He saw my potential for greatness even though I couldn’t see it. He wanted a life for me of pride, esteem, and having money. But being a lawyer didn’t interest me at all. Though school came easily to me I didn’t really have any focus. I didn’t have any desires to excel, or try real hard to get into college. I didn’t have any big dreams that I felt school or college would bring me. I was content just living my life. As a teen, as with most teens, all I cared about was being with friends and having fun. And then there was art. I could sit for hours and hours and draw and just feel content. I took some art classes in college but I dropped out pretty quickly. Not for the best reasons in the world. I wanted to be with my boyfriend more often and I didn’t have a car making it difficult to get to my classes at my college of choice. After I dropped out of school I worked full time. I worked at many jobs throughout my life. The longest I’ve ever held any one job is three years. I just get bored. Once I’ve learned everything there is to learn and I’ve done everything there is to do multiple times, I need something different. In my mid-twenties when I decided to move across country after a failed marriage, I had done some research into becoming a kinesiologist. I thought perhaps once I moved to the west coast I would study to become a personal trainer, or a physical therapist. Something that had to do with exercise and the body. That interested me and still does honestly. But I never did make it to school for that. I was too busy trying to make ends meet and pay off my debt. Don’t even get me started on how wrong I feel it is for credit card companies to sit on campuses and hand out credit cards like it’s candy to 18 year olds. They shouldn’t be allowed to give credit cards to people until they’ve taken classes on financing, budgeting and having a true understanding of what is going on with money and credit. But I digress. Years later in my late twenties, after I had married my current husband, I decided to go back to school. Part time at first as I worked my full time job. Then I decided to quit my job to go back to school full time. I was studying child development. Partly because I always enjoyed being with kids and thought I would enjoy working with kids. Partly because my husband and I wanted to start a family and I wanted to become the best mom I could be. Even though I had a focus this time being in school, I had a hard time just sticking to getting a degree. There were so many things I could learn, so many opportunities for exploration and growth. For example I had finished my language requirement when I first went to college when I was 18. I took a test and placed in French 3 my first semester and was done with my language requirement for good. But when I went back to school in my late twenties I loved American Sign Language. It was fun. It was beautiful. So I took three semesters. None of it went towards my degree. Though my teacher in ASL III told me that I was the only student she had ever given a score of a 100 to on the final project and that I really should become an ASL interpreter, being an interpreter didn’t interest me. I had only taken the class for fun and to better myself. I took a lot of different classes, some towards my degree, many not. I was pretty close to being done and being able to get my associates degree in child development. I had my letters of recommendation from the child development center ready for my future career. But getting that degree, that piece of paper, didn’t have enough draw for me. I didn’t want it enough. What I really wanted to do was take more art classes. So I started focusing on art. Because that I truly loved. Then I got pregnant. My husband and I decided it would be best for me to stay home with the kids. To be honest I was a bit relieved that I could stay home and not have to work at a boring job without feeling guilty about being “lazy” and not bringing in money. Shortly after my first child was born, we also decided we were going to homeschool. I kind of took everything off the table. I finally had a clear path, I was going to be a mom for the next 20 years. Only months into being a new mom I started trying to create businesses to fulfill that need of mine of newness and growth and learning. But once again, the focus and follow through needed to do something like that was not present for me. In addition to dabbling in starting new business adventures, I’m always taking courses both online and in person. To learn and get certified in different things that my heart is drawn towards. A few years ago I took a beautiful two year course on spirituality and working with energy. It was the most amazing class and I made such beautiful deep connections with my classmates, teachers and myself. I absolutely loved that class. One of the teachers decided to make a second class, a year long class. The first time she offered it, though I really wanted to take it, it didn’t feel like it was the right time and I had to honor that. When she offered it again this year I jumped on the chance. Then after three months it felt like it was time for me to be done. I had committed to a year, but my soul was telling me I was done. So last month, with tears in my eyes, I wrote the teacher to tell her I was dropping the class. That night I lied in bed unable to sleep. Struggling with thoughts of being irresponsible and being a flake. Our society expects us to have one, two things at the most that we excel at, that we focus on. And that’s it, for our whole lives. Though a change in careers is considered normal around mid-life it is still mostly frowned upon. As hard as I may try I just can’t fit into that mold. There is a part of me that wishes I could just find love and passion in one thing and do that thing for the rest of my life. I also wish I could be the type of person who could have one house and live in that house my whole life. Pay it off and pass it down for generations to come. Stay in one community and have all my neighbors be lifelong friends. But that’s not me either. My yearning for growth and expansion and newness is beyond anything I can understand. I’ve had conversations in the past with my husband about it. We like to discuss traits that are viewed as “bad” and find the good in them. The benefit to them. There is a positive to all things. This time we were talking about why am I such a “flake.” Why can’t I just pick a thing? What’s good about it? He couldn’t come up with an answer right away but then he came back to me. He said, “Sweetie, I know what it is. You are extremely focused and passionate about one thing. And that is being true to yourself and listening to your heart and soul. That is your focus and your passion and that’s just who you are.” It’s not an easy road not being able to be like everyone else. To always be seeking more. More experiences. More growth. More expansion. It’s kind of a lonely road. But I can’t be any other way. I mean I suppose I could try. I could force myself to sit and get a job and do one thing for the rest of my life. But at the risk of sounding dramatic, it feels to me like death would be better than that type of life. The sadness and the loneliness I guess is just part of the deal. It’s a small price to pay for following my heart and soul. I just need to be me. I need to be who I am. I am a learner. I am an explorer. I am an adventurer. I am a storyteller. I am an experiencer. I am an embodiment of growth and expansion. And if that makes me a “flake,” so be it.