Emotions, Epiphanies and Questions

I currently have an autoimmune disease and sometimes struggle with depression.

Whenever my autoimmune issues flare up I also get a bit depressed. Perhaps the frustration and despair causes the depression. Perhaps the chemical imbalance of my body at that time causes the depression.

Who the heck knows exactly where it comes from or why. I have had depression as long as I can remember even before I had any autoimmune conditions. That I knew of anyway.

Yesterday I was flaring and depressed for the 3rd day in a row. I was driving my kids home from a class they take an hour away from our home. And on that drive I get a lot of time to think about things.

I had this type of epiphany.

I say “type” of epiphany because, to be honest, it felt very much like an epiphany even though I have had this epiphany many times before. I’m not quite sure why I can’t hold onto this one as a belief, but I’m glad it keeps coming into my awareness.

Now onto the not so new, frequent epiphany….

What if, the problem we have with sadness and depression is not that we experience these states but that we think we shouldn’t experience them?

What if it’s the resistance to these emotional states that causes the pain and discomfort?

What if instead of trying to “get happy” or shift our energy around it, what would serve us best is to dive deeper into the emotion?

I mean, to feel truly alive, one must be able to feel deeply. And we can’t possibly only feel our positive emotions deeply. It’s all or nothing.

What if there is a way to actually “enjoy” the sadness? And I don’t mean that in a sadistic sense. I’m not talking about intentionally inflicting pain on yourself.

I’m talking about dealing with these real emotions that come up and finding a way to embrace them rather than try to run away from them.

Just thinking about it makes me feel better about feeling depressed. It feels different to think the thoughts, “I’m depressed. I’m sad. Nothing matters. All I want to do is lie down or numb myself watching videos.” vs. thinking “I’m depressed. Here it is. What does this depression feel like? How can I explore this depression? Not everyone gets to experience this depth of emotion and yet here I am getting to experience it.”

Easier said than done, I get it.

It also must be stated that I don’t have severe depression, so it’s a bit easier for me. Plus I’ve been dealing with depression for so long and doing energy work for so long that I can sometimes very easily switch the depression off. Not always, but sometimes.

I do know from experience the realness of being on the edge of falling deeper into depression and not wanting to go too deep into it.

This also seems like a good spot to add a disclaimer. I don’t claim to have all the answers and I certainly am NOT recommending going off any medications you are taking that is helping.

I don’t like medicines. Yet, I have been on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. I am currently on two medicines to help with my autoimmune disease.

Though I use the depression example because this was what I was specifically thinking about at the time, it doesn’t have to be just about depression. It can be about sadness, despair, anxiety, or grief.

I know a child with anxiety whose parents tried for the longest time to help him using tools like breathing exercises, meditations, bio-feedback, cognitive behavioral therapy, etc., and every single one of those would bring on more anxiety.

You know what works best to help when he is anxious? His parents telling him, it’s okay. “Yep. You get anxious. We know this about your brain. It’s okay. Just because you are anxious doesn't mean there is anything to be worried about. It’s okay that you are feeling anxious.”

Seriously, this is often the only thing that helps him stop cycling through anxious thoughts.

To try to come up with solutions, was to tell him there was something wrong with the state he was in in the first place and that he had to fix it. And the more he felt he had to change it/fix it, the worse the anxiety would become.

What if that is the answer to all our “negative emotions?” What could happen if we just start exploring them instead of trying to push them away? Letting ourselves feel them instead of ignoring them.

I don’t have THE answer but I’m okay with that. I love the questions.

I find questions are the best way to explore and to stay moving in life. Once we think we have the right answer we become stagnant because we stop searching.

If we remain curious and are always asking questions, we keep going. We try new things. We let ourselves shift and mold and change as we grow.

I don’t really have a good closing for this post. So I’ll just end it somewhat appropriately with a question!

What epiphany have you had multiple times? I always laugh when I get so excited about having had this amazing awareness come to me and then realize I’ve had that same awareness many times before.

Perhaps it’s just the part of me that can watch a movie or read a book many times and still get surprised by the plot twists and endings. Anyway, would love to know if you also forget the great things you have become aware of and feel like they are a totally new when you become aware of them again