Can I Truly Do This Just For Me?

So, I'm three days into this and already noticing it being challenging for me.

I have so many ideas, so many things I want to write about. And yet, as soon as I sit down to write I start thinking of what you want to hear.

As soon as I made this a public project and invited a whole bunch of people to the Facebook page where I also post these blogs, it added a whole different dimension.

You see, I have a problem.

I need others to tell me what to do and how to be, to feel comfortable.

Don't get me wrong. It's a skill that served me well in life.

I got straight A's and a few B's in school. Was in the National Honor Society in High School and the Dean's list in college.

I have never been employed at a place that didn't think I did an amazing job. Have had several jobs try to get me to stay once I put in my notice and a few ask me to come back after I had left.

I rarely piss people off (except my family) because I am really good at knowing what a person wants and how to represent myself in a way that they will feel comfortable with.

I like rules. They let me know how to be, what to do. They help me feel safe. I don't know how to just be me.

I came from a home where it was worth it for me to know what was wanted and to "read" other people. To know who I should be and what I should do at any given moment.

But I'm an adult now. And I am still looking to others to gauge how I should behave.

To be honest I'm quite sick of it. Yet here I am, struggling writing a blog post on a page where I have explicitly stated I will be writing about whatever I want and that it is my experiment, and worrying about what you want me to say and what you want to hear. Worrying about what you will think of me if I just allow myself to be me.

For 42 years I have lived this way. What are the chances I can change this in a one year challenge? How easy/hard will it be for me to be truly myself?

I'm thinking it will probably be really hard at some times and easy at others.

One of these days I might write a post about what bullshit it is that we live in a society that trains us to lose ourselves and only do what is expected of us. But alas, today is not that day.

Today I just need to be brave enough to share this just as it is. Just as I am.

Tell me. Can you relate to this at all? Do you feel like there are times that you are really just being who others want you to be? Have you been that way in the past and finally learned how to truly be you?

I'd love to hear your experiences. I know I can't be alone in this.